


i beg you to think of the deep sea (and the crawling loathsome things that may be slithering upon its bed)

by oncewewerezombies



Series: Diamonds and Clubs Month [1]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alien Cultural Differences, Alien Gender/Sexuality, Alternate Universe - Space, Alternian Empire, Ashen Romance | Auspistice, Background Relationships, Diplomacy, Flirting, IN SPACE!, Other, Tea, dating rituals
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-06
Updated: 2019-09-06
Packaged: 2020-10-11 01:40:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,448
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20538062
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/oncewewerezombies/pseuds/oncewewerezombies
Summary: This diplomatic mission is getting out of hand.Rose attends a tea party to see if she can regain control over the situation.





	i beg you to think of the deep sea (and the crawling loathsome things that may be slithering upon its bed)

**Author's Note:**

> 1\. Flirtation/Beginnings

"I would like for both of you to _consider_, why we're around this table," Equius says to start with, and he looks very pained. You don't bother to hide your distaste for the troll across the table from you, but unlike Eridan, you can maintain your composure. He scoffs, and his earfins flare in indignation as he crosses his arms across his chest and looks away. He's such a child. "This is...not the usual sort of auspiticism, but I must admit that I colt not allow it to go further."

"Concerned that a troll is getting so pitch for an alien? Someone not of your species?" you say, voice oozing faux concern in syrupy syllables. "That really must offend your sensibilities, mister Zahhak." His thin lips tighten momentarily, and then you can see him visibly shake your goading words off with a soft sigh of disapproval. That's...a little infuriating, if you're going to tell the truth, which you only sometimes do, even to yourself. And it's impressive.

"It's mare that between the two of you, I believe that the potential for collateral damage is too...severe. Would you like some tea, Rose? Eridan? Nepeta selected this blend particularly for this talk. I can assure you that it will have no ill effects on your digestive system, either of you." The gaily decorated floral teapot looks ridiculous in his squarely blunt hands, the black leather of the fingerless gloves making them look even bulkier but he doesn't break a single thing or spill a drop of tea on the immaculately white tablecloth. Even when you murmur your request for sugar and he drops two little cubes into your teacup with aplomb using a dainty set of tongs - it's amazing how similar the whole thing is to Terran customs, you could probably write a whole thesis on this one cultural interaction alone. Eridan just takes his tea plain, picking up the delicate cup with long spindly fingers that make you think of skittering spiders, gold winking at you from every digit. He's so ridiculously ostentatious.

He sneers at you across the rim of the cup, and you purse your lips slightly.

"I don't know what you think this is gonna do, Zahhak," he says with a distinct air of petulance, and you roll your eyes before taking a noisy, deliberately irritating sip from your teacup. It really is nice tea. You should ask Nepeta where she got her blend from, and see if you can quietly allocate a bag of it to yourself. There haven't been that many things for you to enjoy on this diplomatic mission. Damn John and his insufferable bucktoothed charm. You're the only one who can do it, Rose. We're counting on you, Rose. Now here you are, about to be ensconced into some sort of _romantic relationship_ with an alien with fins, grey skin and teeth a deep sea angler would be proud to own. 

Next time, Dave can do it. 

"It's obvious that she ain't got the globes to think about taking on a kismesissitude with me," he continues on doggedly, and you can feel your hackles rising. Maybe the species is different, but you know that tone of voice to _exact_ measurements. All those people who'd written you off, for one reason or another. How you'd enjoyed proving them all wrong. You feel the corner of your eye twitch, and you wonder how quickly you can pull the 'decorative' chopsticks from your hair where they're holding up your hair (supposedly) and drive them deep into that limpid violet eye. "So that means there ain't no need for an auspiticism. Understand? This is a waste a time."

"If you think that because I'm not an Alternian, that I would be easily bested in a fight, I would encourage you to join me on the duelling grounds, _Ensign_ Ampora," you snap out crisply, and the growl he lets out as you remind him of his lowered rank compared to your own thrills you to the core. You've never felt like this with anyone before. It's just so good, and so easy, to get him to rise to your bait. He is dangerous, but you can play him like your violin and something about that is so much more enjoyable than learning how to play Bach's Chaconne from Partita Number 2 in D Minor flawlessly. "Mm?"

He almost rises up from the table, the look in his eye one of menace, before Equius extends one lengthy, well-muscled arm and pushes him back down into his seat. The pained look on your ill-fated and self-appointed middle leaf's face only increases; he's starting to look constipated. Poor man. It must be something to be expected to deal with the sort of histrionics all the 'highbloods' you've met are able to pull on a nightly basis. So far you've mentally tagged the blues and teals as the 'babysitting' members of the species. That's all you've really seen them do so far, and they certainly do an admirable job. It just doesn't seem very efficient, for the species, as a whole. But what do you know? Alternia has quite an empire.

"Sit down " Equius says with a great weariness that makes _you_ feel tired somehow, "if you would, Ampora. Now." He clears his throat, a little hhk hrrk hkk that sounds absolutely _revolting_, before continuing on as the sea-troll drops back into his seat with a huff. This whole situation is incongruous. You and Eridan are both wearing the tailored, très chic uniforms that you're entitled to, and he's wearing a tank top with long shorts. It's appalling. And so intriguing, you're willing to let him to continue to direct the conversation. "I will allow you both a chance to air your grievances against each other."

"What possible sort a grievance could she have?" Eridan scoffs, and you make a thoughtful noise into your tea. What sort of grievance indeed.

"We could consider, perhaps, how apparently the janitorial staff are no longer visiting the Terran quarters?" you suggest in a limp and absolutely polite tone of voice, and Equius frowns. It's actually quite an intimidating look, and you don't blame Eridan for looking cowed when the blueblood turns it fully on his 'superior'. "It's inconvenient, to say the least."

"We can certainly consider that, yes," Equius says with a deep rumbling sigh, and you think you feel it through the soles of your boots. My. They certainly do build them big on Alternia. You look Eridan over again, and smirk ever so slightly. That's it, all you need to do. 

Eridan leaps to his feet, a protest on his lips.

"That's vile slander and she knows it! I had nothin' to do with whatever's going on with her and her little alien nest," he yelps, almost strangled as though the weight of Equius' disapproving gaze was some kind of goad. His chair clatters on the floor behind him and you make a little moue of distaste at his emotional display. Dear, dear. "I didn't have nothing to do with it, and I'll find out who _did_ do it, since you ain't got the know how to figure it out on your own and gotta go around accusing innocent trolls," he seethes at you, and Equius nods.

"That sounds acceptable. Rose, do you agree?"

"Oh yes," you say, and take another sip of tea, watching as Eridan picks his chair up and seats himself again, lounging with insouciant grace. He would be less aggravating if he wasn't so attractive. At least, you think, he's not fully aware of how attractive he is. He takes too much effort with his appearance to think he's attractive naturally. Then again, you've always been drawn to darker, seaborn, chaotic things. "I'd be happy with that. Shall we discuss the boundaries of this little arrangement?"

You wonder, as Equius starts to expound on the role of auspiticism in troll relationships, obviously for your benefit, exactly what Eridan is going to do when he finds out that you were the one that banned the janiterrorist crew (such a quaint term) from the Terran diplomatic quarters. You might not know everything about Alternian technology, but you're pretty good at spotting a recording device when you see one. 

Right now, you're going to enjoy this truly excellent tea and split hairs until Eridan's head is spinning so that everything about this will suit you. This has the potential to be truly amusing, and you've been so jaded recently. Dave had suggested a little fling, even, the last time you spoke. You don't think this is what he meant, but you're looking forward to it all the same.


End file.
